I can feel you judging me through the phone.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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