New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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