all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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