I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
