my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
