my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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