My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
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He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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