So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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