We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
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this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
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My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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