I cut my penus on the lid.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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