i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
