Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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