just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
