can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Randomize
