I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
