I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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