They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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