OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
