I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
