I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I just gargled with NyQuil
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
