the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Congratulations! We have a period
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
