New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
