Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
