Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
