There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
