im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
