I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Randomize
