booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
