from now on my penis is your penis
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
