i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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