i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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