What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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