I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
