I accidentally had phone sex last night
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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