The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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