I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
