Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
