Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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