are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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