I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Vodka?
Forever.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
