I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
