Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
