Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
