Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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