The maid of honor just puked.
ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
