What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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