I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
