I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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