Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
