I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
