Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
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There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
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She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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