Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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