It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
