Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
