Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
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You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
So much rum. So many feels.
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I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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