you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
