a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
